


Imprints

by dasakuryo



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Public Display of Affection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 05:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13451859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dasakuryo/pseuds/dasakuryo
Summary: "Jyn, you did everything you could," Cassian's voice almost sank to a whisper.Jyn worked her jaw back and forth, her nostrils flaring, her eyes blazing."Did I?" she drew in a hissing breath. "Did I?"// [In which Jyn loses a team-mate and Cassian tries to help her deal with the emotional aftermath.]





	Imprints

**Author's Note:**

> For Misha, who wanted something with "This might hurt a little". Needless to say, I got a bit carried away. Hope you enjoy the story.

"None of this it's your fault."

Cassian voice, so soft, felt like a warm caress. The durasteel clanked underneath his boots as he walked over to her. Jyn didn't lift her gaze to meet his, she curled her fingers into her palms instead.

Her whole body froze when he took her hand in his. Jyn forced a breath through her clenched teeth as Cassian kneaded the side of her hand with his thumb. If she answered, it would came out in a growl, if she answered she ran the risk of letting the rage bubbling in her veins speak for her. So she sucked in another breath and fixed her gaze on a dented point of the durasteel wall opposite her, past Cassian and his warm, worried gaze.

His thumb kept grazing her hand over the synthleather. The voices of the rest of the Pathfinder squad were drone out by the distance and metal walls in between.

"You should go see the med-droid," Cassian murmured out of the blue.

Jyn bit her lip and shrugged.

"I am fine."

She heard Cassian shift and she knew he _knew_ , obviously. Not that the churned blackened cloth did not give her away anyway. But Jyn could not care less about that blaster shot burn right now to begin with. The sting that breezed over her skin at the tiniest of moves did not concern her in the slightest. Because every time she blinked she saw the scene playing out in the soft fleeting dark of her own eyelids.

"Jyn," Cassian uttered her name with deliberate gentleness. The sound was softer; the cadence of his voice changed the way it always did when he shifted to Festian.

Jyn lowered her gaze to her lap where his palms cradled her fisted hands; his fingers halted their gentle caress on her skin. She swallowed and remained silent without looking up at him. It was Cassian who let out a ragged breath as his thumbs resumed their slow, easy strokes.

"You got shot, you should get that wound taken care of," he spoke with a lenity tainted with an almost imperceptible rippling hesitation.

She lifted her gaze at that. Cassian squinted, just a bit, and Jyn saw sadness flicker across his face. That might not have been what he intended to say in the first place.

"I don't need to. I can take care of it myself," Jyn fought back.

Cassian deflated under the stoic harshness of her statement. His shoulders dropped, he drew in a shaky breath and licked his lips before replying with an _okay,_ barely a whisper. His gaze did not leave hers, and before Jyn could move to get up and look for the med-kit, the warmth contact of Cassian's skin with hers was gone from her fingers and swathing her cheeks.

Her throat tightened when his fingers grazed the sides of her face. There was a clasp, and his index finger gently dragged the strap away. It swayed and then bumped gently on her uninjured shoulder. Carefully, Cassian slid the helmet off her head.

"Let me help you," he said, voice soft, as he left the helmet on the bench right next to her thigh.

Jyn considered refusing, but the sudden tautness on his face made her reconsider. She nodded, he flashed him the tiniest, briefest of half-smiles Jyn had ever seen before reaching out for her face again. There was a tug when his fingers dived into her hair.

"I'll be right back," he pressed a kiss to her forehead before standing up.  Jyn's eyes fluttered shut at the light graze of his lips. Then her throat tightened again out of entirely different reasons. The memory made her eyes sting. She cleared her throat to hide the sniff, just in case Cassian was close enough to hear her. She guessed he was not, when he walked barely a minute later the creases of worry on his face had not deepened.

She was about to slid her arm out of the jacket sleeve when Cassian stopped her short. She heard the faint snip, snip of the scissors cutting through cloth.

"This might hurt a little."

She hummed for him to follow suit and sucked in a breath, pressing her lips together. She was expecting him to poultice the wound and bandage her shoulder, so a crease appeared between her eyes when she felt the familiar cold, sticky touch of a gelatinous substance in contact with torn tissue.

"Cassian, the bacta," the sting that bothered her turned her voice into a hiss through clenched teeth, "you shouldn't be wasting it on-"

"I am not," he provided while coating the injured area. "Don't worry."

It was then that Jyn realised the med-kit lying open next to her boot was not the issue Pathfinder's Jyn had been seeing around for months. She made out an A in aurebesh. Jyn forced the air through her nose as slowly as she could manage, trying to keep any groans of pain from taking hold of her throat. She knew she had to keep still, but the instinct to flinch away wouldn’t fade, regardless. She ended up biting the rim of her tongue and clenching her fists.

She could hear Cassian's even breathing, felt it breezing warm across the exposed skin of her shoulder and neck. She tried to even hers, but each time she came dangerously close to let a pained whimper slide through her lips, so she focused on finding figures on the dented metal wall. She didn’t want to close her eyes, it was all to fresh... it was too risky... she knew the night would come bearing the memories disguising them as dreams—

As nightmares.

Cassian chose that exact moment to say in a consoling low voice, "it wasn't your fault, Jyn."

She couldn’t help clenching her jaw nor retorting acidly, "tell that to the girl."

The rub on her shoulder stopped and the air got suddenly too heavy to breathe. Her throat ached with unskreighed screams. Cassian was too still and too silent, and Jyn's every muscle was taut with caged fury at his sudden silence, at the remorse wringing her insides.

“Are you done?” she practically snarled.

He pulled his hand away. Jyn took a deep breath, waiting for him to move again, to grab gauze, more bacta, bandages, anything. But Cassian didn’t move, he stood there, his breathing no longer steady but rapid, heavy. She turned, and by the way his throat bobbed Jyn knew she hadn't succeeded to mask her glare.

“Jyn—” he started, but she did not let him finish.

She got up hastily, snatching a bacta patch from the med-kit before he could stop her. Practically gritting her teeth, she pressed the patch onto the wound. Her heart pounded in her ears when she locked eyes with Cassian again, he'd clamped his lips together but that wasn't enough to mask the quivering of his mouth. Something like a trace of sadness flickered across his face, wrinkling the corners of his eyes.  

"Jyn, you did everything you could," his voice almost sank to a whisper.

She worked her jaw back and forth, her nostrils flaring, her eyes blazing.

"Did I?" she drew in a hissing breath.

Cassian swallowed but held her gaze. His fingers twitched on his thigh, palms itching, with the sudden urgency thumping in his chest. He wanted to cross the distance between them and pull her into a hug.

" _Did I?_ " she repeated, her voice going up an octave.

His throat tightened even more, he saw her eyes glistening.

"Did I, Cassian?" she said, breathing in a shallow, quick gasp. Her voice quivered, "did I, Cassian?" she asked again, her voice thinning.

There was a slight tremble to her shoulders. With his breath caught in his throat, his heart picked up speed and a deep sense of dread filled him... The seconds before it all came tumbling down, shattering her from the inside-out into a thousand pieces.

Suddenly, she peeled off her vest. Tension wrapping on her jaw, she waved it in front of him. The cloth was a darker shade of blue at the front, the coppery tang hit his nostrils.

"Jyn—"

"I was her Sergeant," Jyn couldn't hide anymore the tremor in her voice. "I should have— I was supposed to—" she croaked, balling her hands into fists.

He couldn't bear seeing her like this, he hated himself for not fighting back each of her remarks and soothe her pain. He got up, but as soon as he'd taken a step forward, Jyn took several backwards — _away_ from him— and raised a finger in his direction.

"Don't— just don't—"

"Jyn, please—" he said softly, trying to reach out.

But Jyn stormed out of the room before he could add anything else. He stared at the durasteel door closing shut behind her, the heaviness in his chest grew larger, oppressive. His heart thumped, a breath-taking emptiness took hold. He wanted to go after her— but hadn't he made things worse?

* * *

Jyn bit her lip, her body shook. She muffled the sniffle against her knees. She drew them closer, and wrapped her arms more tightly around them. Her eyes burned and her throat ached, as if she'd spent hours screaming. It was raw with her caged emotions, burning with the grief and pain of the mission… and the past, her past. The images flickered across her vision, on the soft darkness of her eyelids. She realised she'd curled her fingers into her palm when she felt the stabs of pain.

That girl— that girl had died because she miscalculated. She should have thought about grenades. That girl — _Lusine_ – she had trusted her, trusted her command… and somehow Jyn'd ended up doing what she dreaded the most, the fear that had coiled deep into her heart with a vicious, aching grip ever since she joined the Pathfinders. Putting her life on the line was one thing, but being at the helm, giving orders, and subsequently inherently being responsible for the consequences of said commands was another thing entirely.

Kes, Sefla, Cassian… they all had talked with her about it, that everyone had each other's backs but there were risks that needed to be taken, that they were weighing a war, that everyone was fighting for a cause they believed in, that loosing people would be a breath-taking blow (Jyn _knew_ that already from experience) but they had to kept going— but the overwhelming, writhing guilt, none of them had said anything about how to deal with it.

So all she could do was choke down the sobs as long as she could, until the heaviness in her chest smothered her. She'd carried the ghosts of those who perished on the sandy beaches of Scarif too but this— _this_ was different…

There was knock on the durasteel. Jyn drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes. If she looked up, she would meet Cassian's worried face peering at her from the doorframe. She didn't want to deal with everything again, she didn't want to deal with him trying to convince her everything would be alright and that it wasn't her fault (not really, not in the way she insisted it had been)… when a young girl, merely few years younger than her, had died shivering in her arms.

_"S-s-sar-sargeant… I'm… I'm c-cold…"_

Another knock. She let out a frustrated sigh through clenched teeth.

"Go away, Cassian. I don't want to talk."

The durasteel clanked, yet the footsteps clanged nearer.

Hissing another frustrated sigh, she looked up and grunted, "I've told you I don't want to—"

She stopped mid-sentence. Sefla offered a small smile.

"Sorry to disappoint," he almost chuckled. "Mind if I sit?"

Jyn cleared her throat, wandering why Sefla would like to sit on the dusty floor of the cargo hold _of all places_ , and shrugged. Sefla squatted down next to her, flopping down on the durasteel with a quiet sigh.

Jyn fixed her gaze back on her threaded fingers, tried to swallow down the lump constricting her throat. She tried to draw a breath as deep as she could manage, trying to control the grief that was threatening to overtake her again. The rustle of the man rummaging through his pockets reached her ears, somehow riddling through the drumming of her heart.

She ducked her head down and her eyes fluttered shut. She took a long deep breath, trying to visualise the air going through her nose, down her throat, and filling her lungs just like Baze had taught her. But her concentration snapped at the sudden tapping on her arm.

A crease of confusion wrinkled between her eyebrows. Sefla was holding forth a shiny red wrapper, a shadow of a smile dangling on his lips. He tilted his head, and the yellow halo light stole an earthy jewel glow from his face.

"I —uhm, thanks— but I am not hungry," Jyn fumbled for words.

Sefla nodded, but waved the wrapper in front of her, his gaze softening.

"Most of the time we don't exactly eat chocolate when we're hungry, do we?" the man prompted, raising an eyebrow and giving her knowing look.

Jyn swallowed and took the chocolate bar. She silently thanked him he hadn't pressured her into talking, he knew what was bothering her —quite possibly the whole ship knew. The foil crackled as she tore it open. The rich smell filled her nostrils, and she could practically taste the chocolate on the tip of her tongue. She broke off a square and handed it to Sefla, who chuckled and nodded. Then she took a bite, allowing herself to relish on the flavour and the feel of the sweet melting in her mouth.

But the pleasant sensation popped like a bubble soon enough. Her grasp on the wrapper tightened, and Sefla shifted beside her. She didn't want to glance swiftly just in case he'd indeed noticed her discomfort. She really didn't want to talk about it, no matter how much her conscience nagged and insisted she'd have to talk about it eventually.

"I know you're not fine," he said gravely, out of the blue. "I know you're hurting," he added then, and Jyn couldn't help but turn to look at him. "It's not easy, it never is. But don't let it drown you, or else you'll end up trapped in a vicious circle."

Jyn lowered her gaze to the chocolate bar.

"I've lost people," she almost whispered. She'd even lost people under her command, back when she was a partisan. Yet this was different. "But never someone that—" _never someone younger than me, that looked up to me, that—_  her mind raced, but no words came out.

Sefla squeezed her shoulder.

"They know what they sign up for," he reminded her, in a tone that reminded her of Cassian too much for her liking. "It's okay to… grieve, to mourn them. But you can't let it haunt you, if not you'll hold back, you'll end up making mistakes out of fear."

Mistakes that would leave those under her commands in harm's way, and she would prompt what she'd been so desperately trying to prevent all along. She had to trust them, she had to trust herself. Second-guessing in the middle of a battle could get them killed, could get her killed, could get them _all_ killed.

"It's the burden of command," Sefla said. "One you have to bear. There's always a limit to what we can do."

He patted her on the shoulder on his way out.

* * *

"Mind if I sit?"

The sombreness clouding Cassian's face dimmed, his face lit up with a shy smile. He scooted to make room for her. Jyn sat down beside him with a whole different type of guilt wringing her chest. She cast a furtive glance in his direction, then looked at her hands, clearing her throat.

"I'm sorry about earlier," she apologised in a murmur, still looking at her hands.

"It's okay," he assured in an equally low voice. The softness unravelled the knot in her chest. "I understand."

She sucked in a breath before adding, "still… I shouldn't have—"

Cassian caught both her hands in his and squeezed gently, reassuringly. She bit her lip, a mischievous twinkle lit up his eyes when their gazes met. 

"Are we going to argue about this too?" he asked, his voice quivering with a shred of a chuckle.

Laughter bubbled up in her chest and Jyn clamped her lips to fight down the sudden urge to giggle.

Jyn caught the knowing look Sefla shot her from afar. She would have mouthed a thank you, but the man turned to Melshi before she could move a muscle. The chatter of fellow Pathfinders was like the hum of the engines, even, constant. Months ago she would have probably felt heat rising up her neck, too self-aware, at what cuddling in full view of everyone with Cassian entailed. Now such thoughts didn't jump to her mind, though her cheeks still flushed a little with embarrassment, knowing too well anyone could see them if they bothered to glance in their direction. Something about being affectionate in public still made her stomach do a tiny flop sometimes —Cassian sometimes joked about it, said she was worried that it would tarnish their reputations, and Jyn would swat his arm playfully.

She skimmed closer to him, tilting her head until it lay on his arm. She made a soft sound on the back of her throat when he wrapped his arm around her waist, pressing her closer. She felt something warm and blissful spread through her chest, like sunshine breaking through a shadowed nook. Her eyelids fluttered shut. The fatigue setting in and the gentle sway of his breathing slipped her slowly into slumber.

She shifted in the embrace, and then it happened. Her shoulder glided against the hard durasteel, the fabric rubbed against the bandages. The constant faint itch was suddenly not the only reminder of the wound. A wince tugged at her face and Cassian grew tense.

"Everything alright?" he asked, stroking her wrist with his thumb.

She clicked her tongue before hushing a quick, "it's nothing," trying her best to mask the pain in her voice.

But Cassian was already shifting in the embrace. She was expecting him to slide his fingers along her chin, and to lift up her face to meet his gaze, or to stroke her cheek with his thumb tenderly like he used to. But she felt him withdrew and then heard a _whish whish_ instead, and his vest lay folded in his lap.

She searched his gaze, her mouth gaping slightly as she blinked at him. She stole a quick glance to the folded vest again; the corner of his eyes wrinkled. She licked her lips, nibbling at the lower one.

"You sure?"

"You've to take care of that shoulder, don't you?" he almost answered in a whisper.

This was several words apart from merely _cuddling_ together—

Then Cassian smoothed rebellious hair strands away from her face and cupped her cheek, and whatever argument against it that had started to take shape in her mind slipped away. She lay down, her head on his lap, her injured shoulder now free of rubbing against any hard surfaces. Cassian was caressing her waist, his fingers tentatively sifting through her hair. She closed her eyes. She wanted to melt into the touches, but she tensed instead, her self-consciousness came to nag at the back of her mind.

"I can hear you thinking," in came the gentle rustle of Cassian's voice. "Sleep, Jyn, you need it," he added, his voice growing even softer.

 _"I'm here. I am not going anywhere,"_ she filled in her mind what had become his soothing mantra each time she startled awake from a nightmare.  

"But your back—" she started, but Cassian threading their fingers together stopped her short.

"It's better."

She felt her fingers twitch over his leg.

"Cassian—"

"Let me worry about it."

Her eyes fluttered open at that, and she twisted around to look at him, no heeding the sudden sting on her shoulder at the movement. A frown pulled at her face.

"So I _can't_ worry about it?" she asked as calmly as she could, but an edge of concern weaved into her voice nonetheless. "You can worry about me but— I can't worry about you?" she blurted out with a tinge of annoyance before she could stop herself.

He ducked his head and let out an uneven, heavy sigh. A part of her wanted to cock an eyebrow at him, and another one wanted to reach out and stroke his face. This was nothing like trying to ease the pain Cassian had tried to ease earlier while he bandaged her injured shoulder, it wasn't the same kind of pain, but something else was similar —pushing down the pain, forcing it down and pretending everything was fine. It was a sad constant that hadn't changed much throughout time, no matter how hard they'd tried to convince the other of the contrary.

Her fingers wrapped around his wrist. He sighed again.

"What if I tuck a jacket there," he bargained, gesturing vaguely to his back and the floor. "It won't put a strain on my back that way," he reasoned.

Jyn could argue he would still be putting a strain on his back, given the position he would most likely doze off in, but she guessed a cushion support on a still recovering back was better than nothing. Given the circumstances, his back would crick either way.

"Fine," she gave in.

She couldn't hide the smile that crept into her face.

"So… now that's settled—" he trailed off, tracing her cheekbone with his thumb.

She hummed, and turned back around. The ghostly touch of his fingers up and down her waist had her biting down a smile, as her eyes fluttered shut. But the relief washed over soon.

A pang of grief swept over her soon afterwards, her mind had wandered off to the young girl again. The heaviness welling up in her chest was different now, but it hadn't stop hurting. She inhaled, tried to visualize the air going through her nose and down to her lungs—

Lusine sacrifice would not be in vain. She wouldn't allow that to happen. She and the other Pathfinders wouldn't give up. Lusine had joined the ever-growing list of anonymous heroes that had given their life to defeat the Empire, the people would probably never know her name or her story, but Jyn would, her fellow Pathfinders and other rebels wouldn't forget her.

They wouldn't just keep on fighting; they'd keep her and countless others' memories alive.

And it was with that thought that the dark slumber folded around her.

 

Jyn woke to an itch on her cheek. She pulled a face, blinked and rubbed her eyes, trying to wipe the blurriness off her gaze, yet her eyes fluttered shut again after a few tries. Her arm and legs, numb from sleeping, tingled and prickled as she shifted. The drowsy pull of sleep was too tempting, tempting and warm. She sank back into that comforting warmth, burrowing her face back into Cassian's vest—

The itch came back when she budged, this time at her chin. Her eyes snapped open, and swallowing a yawn, she bobbed her head. A strange sound in between an exasperated sigh and an amused giggle rolled out her lips; she turned around, the skin beneath the bandages yielding better to her movements. He was greeted by a sleepy Cassian, smiling and peering at her from one half-lidded eye. He finished rubbing his eye to cover a yawn, she twisted her lips to one side.

"You were cold," Cassian almost shrugged.

Jyn sat up, still feeling a bit dizzy, but not enough to keep her from pressing her lips to his. His mouth was soft and gentle against hers, the kiss spread through her body like a tender, steady glow that enveloped the two of them.

It felt like home.

Someone whistled —Kes? maybe Melshi— and they parted laughing. Cassian pressed a kiss to her forehead and she leant forward, nestling her face in the crook of his neck. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer, his parka bunched up messily between their bodies.

"We've contacted the base," Cassian whispered. "They have everything ready for Lusine when we arrive."

Her throat tightened and her fingers clenched the fabric of his jacket. She was suddenly too aware that Cassian's body pressed against hers was warm, how his chest brushed against hers as he breathed… and the ghost memory of the girl shaking, growing colder in her arms as life ebbed away from her.

Her arms tugged him closer and soon stabs of pain coursed through her arms, the kyber almost lodging into her chest. Her eyes stung and she squeezed them tighter shut, knowing if she tried to blink away the tears they would meander freely down her face.

"Thank you," she whispered in return.

* * *

Jyn was barely conscious of the silence tears rolling slowly down her cheeks. The fire crackled, the sparks and smoke swirled and curled into the deep blue and canopy of stars. She caught the acrid smell of burning wood, mingled with something else —she felt her skin crawl.

Cassian squeezed her hand in his. Jyn glanced briefly at their interlocked fingers. Something airy and warm fluttered in her chest, running cracks through its heavy and smothering clutch, remembering the gentle feather-like graze of his fingers, brushing against hers when he'd taken her hand.

She looked up. His skin glowed in the fire-light, the shadows and gleams playing on his face accented the warmness of his knowing, comforting smile. She leant on him, tempted to turn around and bury her face in the hollow of his chest, but she glanced back at the funeral pyre.

She clasped the kyber in her free hand, felt the prism with the pads of her fingers, taking a deep breath as she watched the sparks dancing in the breeze. Cassian's wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close, hand settling on her hip. A soft sigh escaped her when he pressed his lips to the top of her head.

She shifted in the hug, tilted her head to look at him. A sad smile flickered across Cassian's face. She ducked her head down, digging her hand into the pocket of her vest. She swallowed, feeling silly about it, the little and once brightly coloured yellow petals had started to wither. She gazed back at Cassian.

"She plucked this when—" the words wouldn't come out, "said she'd never seen one like it— she couldn't… she'd had her comm and stuff in her pocket— she asked me if I could—"

Cassian just nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead. He slid back his arm, stroking her hand as he pulled back. She untangled herself from the hug and strode across the grass towards the pyre. The heat of the fire on her face, the petals had an orange glow—

Jyn touched the cold kyber and then lobbed the flower to the flames.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be Cassian patching up an injured Jyn but for some reason it took on an entire different theme as I wrote it, and I just... kind of rolled with it, I guess. Hugs are definitely Cassian and Jyn's thing, so of course I had to woven in some fluff by means of hugging ♥ I had to include other Pathfinders in the picture because the more I know about them, the more I like them and I want to save them from the tragedy of their canon fate. Thanks a lot for reading and I hope you've enjoyed this story, feedback is always appreciated! :)


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